


i will sing to you every day (if it will take away the pain)

by marthenotmartha



Series: it's time for me to fall apart [3]
Category: One Direction
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-11 18:29:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5637310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marthenotmartha/pseuds/marthenotmartha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Niall,” Harry breathes, staring at him with big eyes and an expression Niall doesn’t know how to deal with.</p><p>“Harry,” Niall returns. He catches himself staring at Harry and thinks that he should probably look away. He doesn’t though, is frozen where he stands, staring at Harry, not knowing what to say or how to say it. Harry’s the same, staring at Niall with big, sad eyes.</p><p>or; in which niall is very sad, and harry is very sorry</p>
            </blockquote>





	i will sing to you every day (if it will take away the pain)

**Author's Note:**

> this is the third part of the _it's time for me to fall apart_ series. i suggest reading the two other fics first, especially the first one, so that you have some context. you don't have to though, it's your life, do what you want. [part 1](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5615206) [part 2/prequel](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5629891)
> 
> title is from miss missing you by fall out boy

“ _Before you broke me heart, Harry_ ” Niall says, and before Harry has a chance to reply, before he even has time to process what Niall’s just said, the line goes dead. Harry drops his phone into his lap, stares into the empty space in front of him, and replays the conversation in his head.

_Selena’s not my fucking girlfriend.  
_

_Before you broke me heart._

And Harry’s confused. Confused because he’d been so sure that Niall and Selena were a thing, had somehow convinced himself that that was the only possible explanation of the rumors and that Niall had chosen to marry her during Carpool Karaoke. And Harry realizes now that he should have asked, shouldn’t have jumped to the worst possible conclusion. But it’s too late now, and everything is so fucked up, and Niall says he broke his heart, and...

Harry hadn’t even known that Niall’s heart was his to break.

The tears he’d been holding in ever since he remembered his drunken adventures finally came then, falling slowly down his cheeks.

“Harry?” comes a voice, and Harry barely has any time at all to wipe away his tears before Kendall is opening the door and spotting him. Her brows knit in confusion when she notices his wet cheeks and red eyes. He gives her a weak smile and holds up his phone in explanation. Her eyes soften and she’s next to him in an instant, letting him cry on her shoulder.

Harry doesn’t quite understand how Kendall is this great about everything. After his drunk call to Niall, she’d found him and he’d told her everything, and also apologized about a hundred times, telling her how great he really did think she was, but Niall is _Niall_ , you know. And she hadn’t been angry with him, hadn’t shouted at him for using her, had just hugged him tight and told him it would be OK. 

“Shh, babe, it’s alright” she says, and kisses the top of his head, “Do you want to talk about it?”

He sits up and takes a deep breath, wipes his tears away and tries to compose himself.

“He’s not, uh...” Harry starts, trying to find the words, “He’s not dating Selena after all.”

“What?” Kendall asks, brows knitting together again, “But you said-”

“It turns out I’m an idiot,” Harry mumbles, and takes a deep breath again, “he said they’ve never been anything but friends, and I just- I just assumed there was something and I didn’t even fucking ask him, I didn’t... _Fuck!_ ” 

He’s crying again, and Kendall is shushing him, telling him everything’s gonna be fine, but it isn’t, because he-

“I broke his heart, Kendall,” he says, “I broke his heart and I didn’t even know that I could do that, I was so worried about him breaking mine that I didn’t even realize, I... I fucked up so bad, and there’s no way he’s gonna forgive me for this.”

“Hey, you don’t know that unless you try, OK?” Kendall says, “Just take some time, get your thoughts sorted, and then go see him in person. No more drunk phone calls, or sober ones for that. You’ve gotta like, let the wound breathe or whatever, right? Give it time to heal.”

Harry stays quiet for a little while, let’s her word sink in, contemplates it. 

“You’re right,” he says after a while, “I’ve just gotta let the wound heal a bit, but like... What if it’s infected, and it’s not gonna heal by itself? What if it like, needs to be disinfected, and like-”

“Harry, you’re overthinking the metaphor,” she says with a smile, and ruffles his hair. “But if you’re worried about that, then text him. Just a short text to let him know that you’re sorry and that you’ll talk to him soon. Sound good?”

Harry nods, and smiles at her. “Thank you, Kendall” he says. “Really, I don’t deserve your kindness, thank you so much.”

“Hey, none of that!” she says with a smile as she stands up. “I’m gonna head out on deck, get some sun. You should probably wash your face before coming back out, don’t want the paps seeing you like this. No offense, but your crying face is disgusting.”

Harry laughs at that, and kicks at her feet. They smile at each other, and she turns around and walks out. Harry picks up his phone again and opens a new text. He types about 10 variations of the same text before he ends up with a result that he’s happy with.

_I’m so sorry, Ni. I never ever wanted to hurt you, I hope you know that. I’ll talk to you soon. H._

He hits send before he can change his mind again, and locks his phone. 

 

_3 weeks later_

Niall wakes up with a terrible hangover. He groans, and closes his eyes again, considering just going back to sleep. He doesn’t have anywhere to be today, nothing to do; no one to see. He could easily just spend the day in bed feeling sorry for himself.

He reaches out his hand to his nightstand in search for his phone. When he can’t find it he groans again, before sitting up and turning on the lamp. His phone’s nowhere to be seen, but the clock on his nightstand tells him that it’s closing in on 3 o’clock, which... shit.

He thinks back on the previous night, trying to remember when he’d gone to bed. He’d gone out with a couple of mates, gotten just a bit too drunk, and he’s definitely paying the price for that now.

If he’s being honest with himself this might’ve become a bit of a routine over the last three weeks, ever since he’d spoken to Harry. But Niall’s become pretty good at lying to himself, so he doesn’t think about that.

He eventually gets out of bed and heads into the kitchen in search of food and his phone. He spots his phone next to the sink in the kitchen, and contemplates whether he should prioritize food or his phone. The fridge is closer though, so it’s not really a tough decision.

Once he’s settled on the couch with a bowl of cereal and some rerun of a football match on the telly, he realizes that he’s forgotten his phone in the kitchen. With a sigh he puts the cereal down on the table and gets up to go get it. 

What he finds when he unlocks it is a couple of twitter notifications and, well, a bunch of Whatsapp notifications. He opens them as he heads back into the living room.

_Tommo (13:07)  
Oi oi lads!! reckon we should get together and plan that lads holiday soon yeah??_

_Payno (13:09)  
sounds good mate im free today how about u_

_Harold (13:13)_  
I’m actually in London at the moment, so that works out nicely. I’m free most of the day.  


_Tommo (13:14)_  
great!!  
i’m sure neil is on board as well, got a couple snapchats of him last night, dont think hes got any plans today ahah!

_Payno (13:15)  
haha poor lad_

_Tommo (13:18)  
should we say around four? we’ll do it at niall’s so he doesn’t need to get out of the house_

_Payno (13:19)  
sounds good see u guys there_

_Harold (13:21)  
See you there._

Niall looks up from his phone and takes a deep breath. There’s a lot of information to process and he’s not sure where to start. First of all, Harry’s apparently in London. Niall’s been pretty good at not paying attention to any updates on Harry’s whereabouts, good at not checking tumblr or twitter for pictures of him. He thought this was a good thing, but as it’s left him unprepared at the prospect of facing him, he’s not so sure.

Second of all, he is seeing Harry. In less than an hour. He can only pray that Liam or Louis gets here first so that he doesn’t have to spend any time with Harry alone. 

Speaking of Louis, he’s slightly pissed at him for suggesting this when he knows how Niall feels about Harry. Or, Niall assumes he knows. He hasn’t mentioned it since Louis’ NYE party, and Louis hasn’t mentioned it either. But Louis was less drunk than Niall, and Niall remembers it vividly, remembers all the words he’d used to describe Harry, remembers how good it had felt to get everything off his chest. So Louis should remember, and now he’s gone and invited Harry around to Niall’s flat, without even asking him and Niall’s pissed. 

He checks the time again to find he has about 45 minutes to get ready. He sighs and gets back to his cereal. He briefly considers telling them that he actually does have plans, or that they can’t do it at his house, or anything really.

(He doesn’t go through with it though, because a small part of him kind of wants to see Harry, because he misses him, and it’s complicated and he’s still so angry and so _sad_ , but... It’s a very small part of him though, and it’s easy to pretend it doesn’t exist.)

When he finishes his cereal, he spends about five minutes watching the telly before he realizes that he should probably take a shower before the lads get there. It’s half past three, and he can’t remember the last time any of them were on time for something that wasn’t Official One Direction Business, so he decides to take his time. 

He gets out of the shower at ten to four, and he’s in the middle of pulling on a pair of clean joggers when he hears the doorbell. He quickly pulls on a white t-shirt, before heading towards the door.

He’s not sure how, but he’s pretty sure he knows that it’s Harry before he opens the door. He just has this feeling inside of him, and when he swings open the door and is met with curly hair and green eyes that same feeling intensifies and _burns_.

“Niall,” Harry breathes, staring at him with big eyes and an expression Niall doesn’t know how to deal with.

“Harry,” Niall returns. He catches himself staring at Harry and thinks that he should probably look away. He doesn’t though, is frozen where he stands, staring at Harry, not knowing what to say or how to say it. Harry’s the same, staring at Niall with big, sad eyes. 

Niall doesn’t know how long they stay there just looking at each other, but it’s at least 5 minutes, maybe closer to ten. Or maybe it’s only one minute. The point is it feels like an eternity.

“You look good,” Harry says hoarsely, before clearing his throat, “I mean, you always do, but-”

“Come in, Harry” Niall interrupts, wanting to spare both of them the awkward conversation, “the other lads should be here soon.” He opens the door wider and stands aside so that Harry can come in. 

“Niall,” Harry says again once he’s inside and the door is closed. Niall can tell that he’s about to say something serious, is going to try and talk about this, and Niall just isn’t ready for that.

“Just, make yourself at home or something,” he says quickly, “I’ve gotta, er... I’ve got like, dishes to do, so just... Yeah.” 

He heads back into the living room without another word and picks up is cereal bowl. Harry’s still standing in the hallway when Niall enters the kitchen, but Niall can already feel tears threatening to form so he’s not gonna say anything, not even gonna look at him. He’s gonna clean this bowl and then Louis and Liam are going to be here, and it’s all going to be alright. 

He starts the tap, fills the sink with hot water. And it’s ridiculous really, Niall wouldn’t do this normally, would just pop it in the dishwasher. But that’s too quick and he needs to do something or he’s gonna go crazy.

He’s just started scrubbing the bowl when he hears footsteps behind him. He ignores them, focusing on cleaning instead, focusing on how the water is just a little bit too hot, and is burning his skin slightly. 

Suddenly there’s a hand on his elbow, and before he knows what’s happening there’s a sob escaping his mouth and Harry’s arms are around him in a tight embrace. He turns around so his face is mushed into Harry’s chest, and he’s crying and it _hurts_ , but at the same time he feels safe, which... He doesn’t know what to do about that. So he keeps crying.

Harry’s holding him tight, kissing the top of his head and slowly rocking them back and forth.

“I’m _so_ sorry, Niall,” he whispers, “I never meant to hurt you, I’m so, _so_ sorry.”

They stay like that, Niall crying and Harry apologizing, for a few minutes before Niall seems to be able to stop. He pulls away from Harry with a deep breath and looks up at him. Harry gives him a small, tentative smile, and raises his hand as if to stroke Niall’s cheek. He stops before he actually touches him though, as if he realizes it might not be the best time. 

“We should talk,” he says instead, letting his hand fall to his side. Niall takes a deep breath and nods once.

“The lads are probably going to be here soon,” he notes, averting his gaze from Harry to check his phone. As if on cue, Louis’ face pops up on his screen and his phone starts buzzing. He shoots Harry a small and brief smile before answering and putting the phone to his ear. “Tommo, where are you?” he says, trying hard to not sound like he’d just been crying.

“ _Well, young Neil, here’s the thing,_ ” Louis says, “ _there’s been an accident-_ ”

“What kind of accident, Lou?” he’s quick to ask, worry growing in his gut “Are you alright? Where are you?”

“ _Calm down, Nialler, I’m_ fine _, I wasn’t involved,”_ Louis says, and if Niall’s not wrong that’s amusement in his voice, “ _I’m fine, but I’m kind of stuck in traffic because of some accident, so I don’t know if I’m gonna make it._ ” There’s some shuffling and some background noise that Niall can make out before Louis adds “ _Oh yeah, and Payno’s here with me, so he’s not gonna make it either._ ”

Niall let’s out a breath of relief, “You don’t start off by saying there’s been an accident, Lou.”

“ _Whatever, it’s all good,_ ” Louis says, “ _Is Harry there yet?_ ”

“Yeah, he’s... he’s here,” Niall says, looking at Harry who’s looking at him with questioning eyes. “But uh, I guess we’ll reschedule then. Say hi to Payno for me, will ya’?”

“ _Sure thing, Nialler!_ ” Louis says, “ _Send our greetings to Harry, and try not to kill each other. Bye!_ ”

Niall hangs up, and puts his phone back into his pocket. “So, they’re not coming apparently. Something about a traffic jam, I don’t know. They’re OK though, they say hi.”

“That’s good, I mean... It’s good they’re OK.” Harry says, “Should we sit down maybe? We really need to talk, Niall.”

“Yeah, let’s, er...” Niall says, “Living room, maybe?” Harry nods at that and smiles carefully.

“After you,” he says, and waits for Niall to move first, before walking in after him.

They settle down on the sofa facing each other. Niall doesn’t really have anything to say, doesn’t even know where to start to describe what’s going on inside his mind, so he just waits for Harry to say whatever it is he so desperately wants to talk about.

“OK,” Harry says, taking a deep breath, “first of all, I’d just like to say sorry, again. I know I’ve said it a lot already, but genuinely, Niall, I am so sorry. I’m never going to stop being sorry for what I’ve done to you.”

Niall nods, not trusting his own voice right now, and fixes his gaze on his own hands. He’s not sure he’d be able to look at Harry and not cry right now.

“And second of all, I...” Harry says, “About Kendall-”

Niall tries not to freeze at the name, tries not to flinch, but judging by the way Harry takes a breath he didn’t succeed.

“Niall, I’m not with her anymore. Haven’t been with her since I called you on New Years Eve, really. And like, we weren’t ever serious? I’m not gonna sit here and lie and tell you that we weren’t ever together, because we were, at least for like a few days, but it wasn’t... I didn’t have feelings for her, not really, not romantic ones anyway.”

Niall looks at him then, looks him in the eyes, because he needs this to be true, needs Harry to not be lying right now. “Then... _why?_ ” he asks, voice brimming with confusion and desperation.

“Because I thought I couldn’t have you,” Harry says without missing a beat. “Because I stupidly jumped to conclusions about you and Selena, and convinced myself that I could never have you, not the way I wanted to.”

“Harry-”

“No, just listen for a second, Niall, please,” Harry says, “I’m in love with you. And I never thought you wanted anything more, and then the Selena rumours happened, and I thought for sure you were gonna end things with me, so I ended it before you got the chance to, because I couldn’t bear hearing you say you didn’t want me.

“And then you said what you said on the phone, about breaking your heart. And you have to understand, Niall,  I didn’t _know_. I had no idea I was in a position to break your heart, I wouldn’t have done any of this if I knew that there was a possibility that I’d hurt you.” He takes a deep breath, and then he reaches out for Niall’s hand, grasps it in his. “I _love_ you, Niall. And I know I hurt you, and that I don’t deserve a second chance, but I just, I need you to know that no matter what happens, I’ll still love you.”

Niall’s breathing heavily, eyes trained on Harry’s hands where they’re holding his. He lifts his eyes and looks at Harry, looks at the desperation and the vulnerability in Harry’s eyes, and he feels it then, feels Harry’s love for him and-

“I love you too, Harry,” he says, squeezing Harry’s hands, and Harry breaks into a smile that looks like half happiness, half disbelief. “I don’t... I don’t forgive you completely, because you made me feel like absolute shit when you ended it, and it hurt, Harry, it really did, but, _fuck_ , I miss you so much.” He’s crying again, silent tears falling down his cheeks, and Harry is too, but it’s less painful now. Not quite happy tears, not quite sad ones, but somewhere in between. “And I haven’t kissed you since last year” he adds with a small smile, which causes Harry to choke out a laugh.

“Reckon we should probably change that, yeah?” Harry says, inching closer to Niall. Niall smiles softly at him, mutters a yeah, and meets him halfway.

When their lips meet it’s like an explosion goes off behind Niall’s eyes. It’s not a perfect kiss, it tastes salty from the tears they’ve both shed, and the angle is kind of awkward, but it’s better than any kiss they’ve ever shared, because they love each other, and they’re _together_. 

And it’s not perfect, not at all. They still have things to work out, things to apologize for. But it’s a start, and for the first time since the break started Niall feels like he can finally breathe.

**Author's Note:**

> ahh, it's done! i wrote the entire series in two days so if it seems a bit rushed at times that's probably why.
> 
> thank you so much for reading, any comments/feedback/kudos is greatly appreciated! you can reach me here or on tumblr @[weirdnialls](http://www.weirdnialls.tumblr.com)


End file.
